Stoopid Peeplee

---

If someone says they're upset and edgy, today, don't make comments like, "You know there's like 100% chance you're going to Iraq, right?"... Oh your unit doesn't deploy... are you going to take your kids with you when you go to Italy.... well, no, Italy was an example, and quite frankly I don't have the patience to explain all of this crap to you because I'll have to do it all over again the NEXT time you come in.... and by the way I've not done anything with the Army lately because I'M NOT IN THE ARMY.... which is why I'll say, thank you and have a nice day, please get out of my chair and leave me alone so I can cope with my life right now... as I mentioned it isn't going very well, and I don't want to think about it, let alone explain it to someone who doesn't really care....

Depressing Thought

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This weekend, I have drill. After this weekend, there are only TWO drill weekends left before I leave. Time is pressing in on me, and making it hard to breathe. Will I get everything done in time. Will I have done enough with my kids so they don't miss me terribly while I'm gone? Will they be secure in this decision? Will I be able to convince my ex-husband that everything doesn't need to be a fight, and it is okay to not change custody while I'm gone because, really, I won't be gone all that long...?

Then of course there are a billion paperwork related things to do... anyone want to volunteer to do my taxes for me while I'm gone... they're super easy I promise :-)

If I want to buy a house while I'm gone, I need to gather the paperwork that should already be neatly filed away... HAHAHAH yeah, right! Like my paystubs, last 3 years of taxes plus W-whatever-you-get-at-the-end-of-the-year's (I know it is either a W-2, or a W-4), and such....

Now my next dilemma, should I buy season passes to the ski hill. By value alone it is totally worth it, but I am only here through Januaray, basically... so is anyone going to take them while I'm gone? If they get the hang of it well enough I'm sure grandma and grandpa T. will take them, they're retired military so they have access and such... but will it justify the $425 not counting rentals? This next month of boarding will tell me if it is worth it to buy them their own gear, but GAH aren't they just going to outgrow it before next season.... that's why it isn't worth it... I'm sure my kids will grow...someday :-)

Enough out of me... Happy Halloween to all of you, keep your candy bowls stocked, us parents who get to go out in the cold for hours will need the candy, after the kids go to bed...we sort, and "examine" the questionable pieces to make sure they're safe for our kids.... :-)

Little Things

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Its the little things that are building up right now. They're making me irritable, and I don't want to be. I figured out the proposed travel schedule for my kids to visit me. I graduate on March 23, so they can maybe fly the night of the 21st to me, then back home on the 25th. (estimated 804.40 per ticket): x 4 people, x 3 trips with the other two being May 18th, and July 13th, will be around 10,000 dollars not counting rental cars, or food, or lodging... hmmmm that sounds expensive. ah well, I will sacrifice all I have to just to see my kids. I'll keep that big dollar amount tucked neatly into the back of my head when i want to smash in my mom's... keep my cool, keep a smile on my face, and make sure people stay the fuck out of my living space! It isn't my immediate family that bugs me. It is the employee of my parents who like to drink and was in my room with my kids without me... do I think anything inappropriate would occur? No. But it is a line that doesn't need to be crossed. I want my privacy. I want my own space. I wan't others to just respect that, is that too much to ask, is that too hard?

I don't think it is...

Lights On

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I noticed, as I was driving in the dark, on the way to work this morning, that the lights were on at the ski hill. I remember my mom telling me when we first moved here, that it was Santa's runway. Since we totally live close to North Pole, well in it actually, it was plausible piece of fun for an 8 year old.

But, now I'm itching to go and snowboard. I will probably go by myself the first time, rather sans kids, so I can get a feel for the proceedure of rentals, where everything is and how to manuver myself down the bunny hill a few times before trying to do that with 3 kids :-) I'm sure I could convince *someone* to come with me.... so I'm not completely alone, that is no fun, who will be there to laugh at me when I bite snow? And I'll have to have a photographer to capture my first time, to share with blogland!

I'm super excited to learn to do this. The only bad thing is I only get part of the winter... bummer, but when I come back from Texas, it will be only a short time before it is winter season again, just after the "Equinox Marathon vs. dork" rematch :-) You won't want to miss it!

Dorkness OUT!

I have a dream of someday owning my own home. Perhaps before we ring in the new year, I just might. I've found a home that really is what I'm looking for. It is a bit on the pricey end, for me anyway, but I've convinced S. to go in on it with me... it is so much better than his daughter being around my negative relatives, not to mention the incessant sniffles we seem to have only when we're exposed to cigarette smoke. Who would have thought that second hand smoke is bad for you. I'm especially aware of it around my "peak" training times... if you can call just being consistant a "peak" training time :-)
I do love my mom deep down, but we've never been compatible housemates. I moved out when I was 16, and was home as little as possible before that. I had a lot of extra curricular activities through the school, and friend's houses that I could hang out at.
So small doses do my mom and I wonders, we can't really stand each other for more than that. I like my space, my time, and my privacy... not like I ever do anything that requires privacy, but it is the thought. I like to know that if I put something somewhere, it will be ther when I go back to find it again, not moved by a well-meaning-tidy-upper.
So if you're spiritual, say a prayer for me, for this particular house... the big man will know which one, I'm sure... since I've been begging him for a few days now for it. I know deep down that if it was meant to be it will be, but at the same time the human-ness in me still feels the need to question authority.... even His. I don't want to jinx it so I won't post the pictures or anything. I really hope it works out. I feel like it should. Now is a good time, and it feels right.

Okay, I'm just trying to waste time before my movie starts. I'm going to see the Grudge 2.... so wish me luck on the drive home, in the dark, then sleep by myself... why do I insist on watching movies when I don't have any kids... oh yeah, because I'd rather spend time WITH the kids when I have them... ah well, I'll just have to suck it up and deal, be an adult, who can buy a house if they wanted to :-)
Dorkness OUT!
BTW don't forget the prayer, even if you pray to the football gods :-)

Smells Like Broccoli

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For some reason it smells like broccoli in my work area. I've not eaten any, the xray lady hasn't either. I think it is a smell that is currently permeating through the hallways.

We had a health fair for employees here at the hospital. A coworker had discovered he had diabetes because of the health fair. I feel bad, he must be feeling discoraged. He wasn't his usual bouncy self, if you could call his usual self, bouncy.

Maybe we should all take a lesson from it. He isn't very old (same age as my parents, who are fairly young in their own rights), he is only barely overweight and he didn't have any symptoms. Those regular checkups folks, they're important to catch things early.

So, as I'm wagging a tootsie pop in his face, talking about how good this may be for all of us, we should all be more conscience of what we eat. I know I need to drop some weight for the military.

But still...

Now, I really want to get into my running more. I need to get started today, not tomorrow, but today. I'll bundle up my little one into her winter gear and put that jogging stroller I just had to have to good use. Even if it is just a quick 30 minutes, I need to do something.

Wish me luck. Sometime tomorrow I'll be pushing myself through a 2 mile time trial that is a week overdue for my coach to base my training paces off of. I'm hoping for around a 16:45, but I'm not in the shape that I'd like. We'll see. The goal is to get a feel for where I'm at, not where I want to be, right? I need to make this stick. I don't want to be the miserable one what everyone is waiting for to finish the O-course, because I can't get my fat butt over the wall, or something. :-)

I don't have negative self-image, not always anyway.

Sooooo.... have a good day all! Be kind to others even if they aren't kind to you.

Dorkness OUT!

What a Waste

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I live in Alaska. And today is October 19th, and there is no snow on the groung. This is probably the most awesomest fall in the history of this region and I'm wasting it by being inside doing homework, and earning a pay check and things like that. Yes, darkness is closing in on us fast, but man, I need to get out there and enjoy this amazing running weather. (rumor has it that it is snowing lightly outside right now.) I bought running shoes last night. That was an adventure all in itself. If I weren't honest, I'd have a car-load of shoes since the store was completely unattended for a full 15 minutes before someone else came in. He was carrying a cordless phone. I asked if he worked there, and he said no....pause.... I just own the place.

I'm thinking, "you're kidding... and you left thousands of dollars of merchandise unattended." Oh well, lets move on and get some shoes. He tells me I'm wearing the wrong size shoe. He made fun of me for wearing sandals... in october in alaska... believe me it was for his benefit :-) I had been on my feet all day and well, yesterday was a stressful day, and my feet actually ached last night.... not usual for me.

I ended up with 2 pairs of shoes. One pair new balance, that I don't usually wear, but he had a buy one get one FREE sale... so yeah, I'll wear them for free... he felt the need to reassure me that nothing was wrong with the shoes, that they were "spring colors" and they're making room for the fall shoes... Nothing wrong with that! I got a shirt that was 50% off that I had picked out while I was all alone in the store... so I made out pretty good. He sold me insoles too, that he felt I needed. Of course, I'm taking advice from an old guy who reeked of cigarette smoke, and probably doesn't run unless he is being chased, so we'll see if his advice is even worth while. The other pair of shoes, are Saucony, which I had picked out, but he got a smaller size for me. :-) we'll see if my toes bruise up because my feet swell when I run... we'll just see.

So now, I have new shoes, new socks (2 pairs), and maybe a running partner. I should have sweetened the deal with new shoes for him, but really. I guess I'm selfish because it didn't even occur to me to get him a pair. Ah, well, maybe he'll forgive me, go and get fitted for the correct pair of shoes, and we can both run injury free this fall/winter.

I'm ready to start running. I want to get back into it. I can't believe that I had let it slide for so long. I guess the disappointment of the marathon has struck a fear inside of me. I'm afraid of failure a second time. I guess, I don't really have a choice because an extra day with my kids is on the line this time, not just an arbitrary number and time goal. If I can get the speed work in, I can earn an extra pass graduation weekend at basic, and that means more time with my kids. I don't want them thinking that they're not important enough for me to work my bootie off to spend time with them. However, I'm not sure if I am physically capapble of getting there. It is the pull ups that I'm stressing over. I'm running out of time... anyone else know how to build up to pull ups?

Enough of that... have a good day all! oh and to hear an awesome race report on a Boston Qualifying Race, it is worth it!

NICKELBACK LYRICS

"Someone That You're With"

I reside in 209, you're in 208
You moved in last Friday night,
and I just couldn't wait
So I tried to call across the hall,
to ask you out someday
But a lineup formed outside your door,
and I was way too late

[CHORUS]
Well I'd rather start off slow
This whole thing's like
some sort of race
Instead of winning what I want
I'm sitting here in second place

Because somewhere
the one I wanna be with's
with somebody else
Oh god, I wanna be that
someone that you're with
I wanna be that someone
that you're with
And I can talk about it all day long
'til I run out of breath
But I still wanna be that
someone that you're with
I've got to be that
someone that you're with
And I'm pacing by the phone
'Cause I hate to be alone
And if you're out there with him
somewhere and just about to kiss
God I wanna be that
someone that you're with

Well I hear your favorite songs
you sing along with everyday
And I borrow things that
I don't need for conversation sake
Last night I heard your key,
it hit your lock at 4 AM
Instead of being out with me
you must be out with them

[CHORUS]

Because somewhere the one
I wanna be with's
with somebody else
Oh god, I wanna be that
someone that you're with
I wanna be that
someone that you're with
And I can talk about it all day long
'til I run out of breath
But I still wanna be that
someone that you're with
I've got to be that
someone that you're with
And I'm pacing by the phone
'Cause I hate to be alone
And if you're out there with him
somewhere and just about to kiss
God, I wanna be that
someone that you're with

Well somewhere the one
I wanna be with's
with somebody else
Oh god, I wanna be that
someone that you're with
And I can talk about it all day long
'til I run out of breath
But I still wanna be that
someone that you're with
I've got to be that
someone that you're with
And I'm pacing by the phone
'Cause I hate to be alone
And if you're out there with him
somewhere and just about to kiss
God, I've got to be that
someone that
I wanna be that someone that
I've got to be that
someone that you're with


[Thanks to Ephram Arco Veloz (earcoveloz@hotmail.com)
for these lyrics]

[ www.azlyrics.com ]

Sorry, I just dig that song.

Don't talk to me today, I probably won't have anything nice to reply with. And if I did have something nice to say, or even a question to ask, say when your son's birthday party is, and if anyone in my direct lineage needs to be present, it may come out in a way that may make you feel as if you ought to be in a concrete room, with a beat up metal table in the middle and one dangling light above your head. See where I'm going with this... I'll make you crack, you'll confess to crimes you had no idea existed, let alone that you were capable of. After the fact, you may let it sink in, You're innocent. It was me, I'm the bad guy.

I don't know why I am so angry today, I do have that feeling deep inside of me. I feel it better that no one talk to me. I feel bad for my patients this week, too. Maybe they've not noticed because they don't talk to eachother. They don't know that I've had to ask help a lot this week, that I've had to poke people more than once on one blood draw, they don't know that my confidence in myself is so shaken that I question why I get out of bed in the morning.

I do know that I feel resentment that my one night a week that I really get to hang with my kids during the week was wasted on a staff meeting that really had nothing to do with me because I don't work in the main department. There are two of us who could probably never go to those....

I also feel resentment that two nights out of my week are spent with a man who must view women as inferior and he is supposed to be teaching me. No wonder there are only two girls in this class. I wonder how many are in his other class. Do they think his sexist comments are endearing, I don't.

Perhaps I shouldn't resent getting an education. It sends negative examples to my kids. Don't get me wrong, I love school, I love to learn.... I must just not like people... I find that I'm becoming more difficult to get along with and more opinionated.

My kids don't read this but,

I love you guys!!!!!!!!!!! Whole bunches, and this has to get better soon, because it is killing me to not be around you guys. I have no idea what I'll do when I have to be gone for 6 whole freaking months! Getting on that plane will be the hardest thing I've ever done, even more than watching the surgeon take away my, then 4 month old Eryn, I stood and watched the electric doors close behind her. She was all bundled up and sleeping, and I didn't want to let her go. I knew I couldn't go with her. And that was that.... we sat and waited. She eventually came back, and so will I, but the waiting, the waiting.....

So you're just going to sit there all day and eat noodles?

I hope those noodles are good.

I bought those noodles.

I love noodles.

My father used to buy me all the noodles I ever wanted.

I'd say "daddy I want some noodles," and he'd go out and buy them all for me, lots of noodles.

You know why he bought me those noodles?

Because he was a brilliant MAN!

You'll never know....

Lost

---

I'm sad to report, my red pneumatic tube is missing. Please look around and see if he is there. He is bright fire-truck red, about 14 inches in length, and has markings on him that says "Please Return to station #8"

I bet he would be happy to be home, and I would love to have him back. Please do not feed him anything. I would be perfeclty happy to get him back with a completely empty tummy.

The reward for returning this little "pet" of mine, will just have to be the warm fuzzy feeling of doing a good deed. Maybe you could take yourself out to cold stone brewery after work, er, creamery.... whatever that place is that gives you yummy ice cream....mmmmmmmmm.....