Don't talk to me today, I probably won't have anything nice to reply with. And if I did have something nice to say, or even a question to ask, say when your son's birthday party is, and if anyone in my direct lineage needs to be present, it may come out in a way that may make you feel as if you ought to be in a concrete room, with a beat up metal table in the middle and one dangling light above your head. See where I'm going with this... I'll make you crack, you'll confess to crimes you had no idea existed, let alone that you were capable of. After the fact, you may let it sink in, You're innocent. It was me, I'm the bad guy.

I don't know why I am so angry today, I do have that feeling deep inside of me. I feel it better that no one talk to me. I feel bad for my patients this week, too. Maybe they've not noticed because they don't talk to eachother. They don't know that I've had to ask help a lot this week, that I've had to poke people more than once on one blood draw, they don't know that my confidence in myself is so shaken that I question why I get out of bed in the morning.

I do know that I feel resentment that my one night a week that I really get to hang with my kids during the week was wasted on a staff meeting that really had nothing to do with me because I don't work in the main department. There are two of us who could probably never go to those....

I also feel resentment that two nights out of my week are spent with a man who must view women as inferior and he is supposed to be teaching me. No wonder there are only two girls in this class. I wonder how many are in his other class. Do they think his sexist comments are endearing, I don't.

Perhaps I shouldn't resent getting an education. It sends negative examples to my kids. Don't get me wrong, I love school, I love to learn.... I must just not like people... I find that I'm becoming more difficult to get along with and more opinionated.

My kids don't read this but,

I love you guys!!!!!!!!!!! Whole bunches, and this has to get better soon, because it is killing me to not be around you guys. I have no idea what I'll do when I have to be gone for 6 whole freaking months! Getting on that plane will be the hardest thing I've ever done, even more than watching the surgeon take away my, then 4 month old Eryn, I stood and watched the electric doors close behind her. She was all bundled up and sleeping, and I didn't want to let her go. I knew I couldn't go with her. And that was that.... we sat and waited. She eventually came back, and so will I, but the waiting, the waiting.....